we must.....

 We often identify and reference the disciple Thomas as “doubting Thomas.”  To doubt suggests weakness, uncertainty…a total contrast to fellow disciple, the brash, loud, bold Peter. Yet it is Thomas who in the 11^th chapter of John’s gospel as Jesus is on his way to Jerusalem with those who want to kill him hot on his trail.  Into this travel plan it is Thomas who says, “Let us go to Jerusalem with him, so that we may die with him.”

 

To be honest, I would have been looking for a Godly GPS to say, “recalculating.”  Yet, that is not the route, nor the plan, nor the journey.

 

I was nine years old when my Gram died.  She was the first person I knew that died.  She lived with us.  She was a constant, steady presence. She asked me what I learned when I came home from school and directed me to the candy jar, she kept in her room.  She died in June, nearly summer, school was done for the year, and it was the time for days spent outside, going barefoot, swimming in the creek and playing catch.  Yet, there was an unannounced, felt and known pause.  There was a death in our family. Full stop...from where our story becomes measured by what happened before and what happened after. 

 

At the funeral home, I didn’t want to go near the casket, I refused and dug in my black, Mary-Jane shoes wearing feet. My father was with me, he tried to talk me into going up to the casket. I dug in stronger. “You must go. You need to say goodbye,”he said. 

 

Still, I refused. We were in the hallway of the funeral home, not even in the room where all the people were and the open casket of my Gram.  I wasn’t screaming, I had gone rigid, focused on the floor directly in front of me.  My dad nudged, then stood behind me and pushed, then tugged and pulled.  I got into the room and up to the casket. 

 

I saw my Gram.  Then I felt my mother next to me. I turned to her and felt her arms around me. 

 

They say a minister’s lot deals with death. Over the decades, I’ve had the honor to officiate and eulogize many. In a sense, my role as clergy is to be there with and alongside helping folks to journey this passage.

 

We remember and pause, a hard stop, on the death of Jesus. We must go near the cross.  We must look.  We must say goodbye.